Friendship Conflict in Adolescence: A Conversation with Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore

By Elaine Griffin

As a middle school head, I frequently hear from parents who are worried about their children's friendships—and for good reason. Social dynamics become more complex during adolescence, and parents want to support their kids through new challenges. The problems vary: My child was the subject of a mean group text. My daughter’s friends stopped talking to her. My child has no friends. 

Friendship during adolescence is built upon shifting sands; only 1% of friendships that begin in 7th grade last until 12th grade. There are structural reasons for this. Adolescents begin to specialize in sports or other activities and cultivate friends with similar interests. Kids mature at different rates and outgrow once satisfying friendships. Middle schoolers are also longing to find their “tribe” and may exclude older friends from the new groups they join.

But while their friendships are fraught for these reasons and more, friendships are also essential for adolescents’ well-being. Friends are a source of joy and belonging. Research has shown again and again that when children are close to peers, they have more confidence, feel more connected, and deal with stress in healthier ways.

The problem is that while adolescents prioritize friendship, they just aren’t very good at being friends. Yet. With brains that are still under construction, they haven’t developed the empathy or problem-solving skills to navigate leaving behind former friends as they choose new ones. As a result, friendship problems are both painful and quite frequent for adolescents.

To learn how parents can help their children manage friendship conflicts, I sat down with Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a clinical psychologist who specializes in adolescents. Kennedy-Moore has written several books on confidence, friendships, and feelings for both adults and children. I read her book “Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-Esteem,” which explores how social connections improve children’s self-esteem.

I asked Kennedy-Moore about how parents can support their children through the complicated landscape of middle school friendships. This interview has been edited for clarity and concision.

Validating Your Child’s Feelings When They Face Challenges 

What should parents know about friendship conflicts during the middle school years?

Friendship conflict is normal. More than that, it’s how kids learn. Kids cannot wander through their lives believing that everyone thinks and feels the same way they do. Conflict is their opportunity to learn that others may see things very differently. Conflicts allow kids to look beyond their own perspective and respond in caring ways to a friend, to ask them what they need. There’s a long list of skills kids learn through conflict. They learn to forgive, to not sweat the small stuff, and to understand other perspectives. When our child is in a friendship conflict, we can start by validating our kid’s feelings—they need that—but then we can be a little bit curious. We can ask, “Why do you think they did that?” or “How do you think they felt?” This questioning helps your child understand the other person’s point of view.

How should a parent respond when their middle schooler tells them that a friend was mean to them or that they are being pushed out of a friend group at school?

When a kid is feeling disconnected at school, they need to be able to come home to safety, so this is not the time to say, “Didn't I tell you this would happen?” Just sit with the feelings. Offer comfort, offer ice cream, or just offer some extra love because they need that. The second step is to avoid leaping into action. So many parents will be up late worrying about the crisis that their daughter had with her friends, only to have her come home from school the very next day and say, “Oh, things are fine.” Or, you know, one day, your son comes home and says that he hates Stuart's guts, and then the next day, they're best friends again. Don’t ride the roller coaster of middle school friendships, just walk next to it.

It can be hard for adolescents to break up with a friend or leave a friend group that they have outgrown. How can parents guide their child through this kind of transition?

We always want to emphasize kindness. What is the kind thing to do? The wrong choice is to go tell that friend everything that's wrong with them; that’s not kind or helpful. Often friendships just fade away, but sometimes kids cling to the not- so- kind friends because they don't feel like they have other options. And that's something parents can actually help with. Use your deep knowledge of your child to figure out what they like to do that they could do with other kids. Create opportunities for them to meet like-minded people. Get them involved in something that you think is going to click with them. This will give them other options, broadening their circle of friends.

Recognizing Social Cues

How can parents help children who have difficulty making friends perhaps because they get in their own way when it comes to connecting with other kids? 

Friendship skills are never about doing one thing. We need to flexibly adjust our behavior to fit the situation. Sometimes it's about reaching out, and sometimes it's about stepping back. For example, if your kid is annoying other kids, you have to help them figure out what it is that they're doing because what fuels the development of children's friendships is an increasing ability to understand someone else's perspective. 

They have to learn to read the stop signals that other kids put out there and be alert to them. You can practice stop signals at home and say, “Hey, that's a stop signal. What do you need to do?” Be sure to give them a rationale, too. “Why do you need to stop? Because it's not funny. By continuing, you’re basically saying to the other person that you don’t care about how they feel.” It's always easier to replace the behavior than to stop it. So depending on what the annoying thing is that your kid does, they might need to sit on their hands, or pretend their tongue is stuck to the roof of their mouth to stop talking. Or sometimes they can make a statement, like, “I'm going to stop now.” Yes, it's a little bit awkward, but it's communicating things like, “I hear you. I'm working on it.” And, it gives them three seconds to rein it in. 

In middle school, do boys and girls experience friendships differently? Is there a gender divide in friendships? For example, is there any truth to the term “mean girls”?

The research is actually kind of mixed. Some research shows that girls have more conflict, and some shows that it's about even, depending on the study that you look at. What we do know, though, is that girls have higher expectations for their friends. For boys, the expectations are to keep the game going, while the girls expect loyalty and support and all these big things. The girls are deeply crushed when the friend doesn't live up to the ideal. Boys also tend to travel in bigger groups, so their friendships are less intense. But I can tell you stories that would curl your hair about mean things boys do.

Adolescent meanness is linked to their still-developing brains. Yes, middle school kids have this verbal facility and a greater ability to understand relationships and group dynamics. But their empathy is not fully developed; they have what I call empathy blind spots. Those blind spots lead to rationalizations where kids tell themselves, “he's weird” or “nobody likes her,” and then they feel like it is acceptable to be mean to that person. We adults need to call that out immediately, forcefully, and directly.

Sometimes in middle school, we see kids conforming to their friend group’s expectations. A child who may not be exclusive by nature, acts with exclusion to conform to their friend group. How can parents counteract negative peer pressure?

Push hard on your family values. Tell your child what you stand for as a family. Tell them that you expect them to be kind. Does that mean they're always going to be kind? Absolutely not. But at least they know the standard. A parent or a teacher could say, “This is not you. I know you.” I find a lot of anti-bullying programming to be naive, because it expects a kid to stand up and say, “No, stop that!” They can't. There are socially powerful kids and standing up against them may mean that you are the next one under attack.

Friendship Is the Answer to Everything

I’ve read that kids only need one friend. Is that true? 

The research tells us that if kids have even one reciprocal friend, meaning somebody they like, who likes them back, they feel happier. They cope better with stress, are less likely to be bullied, and are more engaged with school. Friendship is kind of the answer to everything. But we also know that there are different degrees of friendship. In a high-quality friendship, people feel that sense of belonging, of feeling known and valued for who they are. They have fun together. Not enough emphasis has been put on fun!

Is it important that parents model what it means to be a friend for their children to learn about friendship?

Kids definitely learn more from what we do than from what we say, and the teenagers in particular are very ready to point out our contradictions and inconsistencies. We're all busy, and sometimes that pushes friendship out of the way, but friendships really add to the joy of our lives and make the harder times easier. So let your kids see you making time for friends, chatting with them, telling them about your life, asking about their life, showing interest. One of our most important jobs as parents is to help kids learn about relationships. They're watching us. You know, they see how we interact with our friends, with our partners, with the neighbors, even with the clerk at the grocery store.

Self Esteem and Self Worth

What's the relationship between self esteem and friendship? 

Some researchers say they are identical, that our self esteem is our perception of the degree to which we are accepted by whatever group matters to us. I think that's a big part of it, but I don't think it's all of it. I also think we can have different self esteem in different areas. There are things that I myself care deeply about: being a good wife, a good mother, and a good psychologist. The things I value are more tightly bound to my view of myself.

When we were growing up, we weren't influenced by social media and the friends and followers that go with maintaining online connections. How has the concept of friendship changed for young people, given how much they interface through technology now?

Devices just amplify everything and make it all more complicated. I am deeply grateful that pictures of me in middle school are not widely available on the internet. I'm glad that I had that kind of hidden time to be awkward and unsure of myself. I'm sad that our kids don't get that. It’s also harder to police meanness online because it can be so subtle. For example, someone posts a picture of everybody in the group, except one person, and then puts “besties’” next to it. The one kid who was left out feels crushed. Or they'll post a picture of a friend that the friend finds mortifying, and when asked to delete it, they say, “Oh, I thought it was cute.” That’s subtle. 

And then there's the constant search for admiration. “How many people liked my post?” We as parents can say to kids, “Don't compare your inside to someone else's outside, because you know that picture was filtered, and it's the one of 80 photos that she took and it was cropped and whatever else.” It’s hard. With all of this going on, I think kids really long for that one-on-one connection. In my practice, I’m unrelenting about encouraging kids to do activities together in person. 

Final Thoughts

Kennedy-Moore encourages parents to ask their children to interpret the words of John F. Kennedy when he quoted the Bible: “Those to whom much has been given, much is expected.” “When Kennedy said it, he was talking about a call to service of the broader community,” she noted, adding she’d “bet you a nickel that if you ask a kid nowadays, they will see it as a call to individual accomplishments surpassing everyone else.” 

Kennedy-Moore believes that social media has convinced some children they have to be “amazing” or they are “worthless.” 

“I don't have data on this,” she said, “but I think this underlies a lot of the mental health crisis among teens. Anxiety and depression are up among adolescents and substance use is worse. Peers are rivals, not buddies, and kids don't have that much time to just get together in person.” 

How can parents help turn the tide? 

“It's not easy, because we're swimming against the current here, right? But I think it comes down to family values. Talk about JFK’s remarks. Say, ‘No, Kennedy’s message is about service. It’s about what you can give.’ That generous, outward focus is what allows us to let go of the ‘Am I good enough’ question. Instead the question becomes, ‘What can I give?’ Suddenly, it’s not about me; it’s about the bigger picture.” 

The big picture takeaway for me as an educator? 

Friendship is a wonderful way to promote well-being among adolescents. When educators and parents talk about our concerns regarding students’ mental health, we often focus on solutions that involve therapy, pharmaceuticals, and neuropsychological testing. While those things are certainly important, it’s great to know that having and keeping good friends is a research-proven strategy for increasing adolescents' well-being now and in the future. Cole Porter got it right, all those years ago: friendship really is the perfect blendship.  

About Elaine Griffin:

Elaine Griffin has worked at University School of Milwaukee since 1998, serving as the head of Middle School since 2019. Previously, she served as the assistant head of Upper School and taught Upper School English. She has both a bachelor’s degree and master’s degree in English, and served as the president of the Whitefish Bay Library.