From Comparisons to Confidence: Shifting Focus to Your Child’s Unique Path

By Michael Tauscher

At University School of Milwaukee, we believe a positive connection between home and school fosters a supportive environment for children. Recently, I sat down with Dr. Rick Clark (pictured), a seasoned child psychologist with over 37 years of experience, to explore his insights into raising resilient, socially capable children. Clark has been working with our Preschool faculty for the past two years, helping to enhance classroom strategies and offer guidance to families navigating developmental and behavioral challenges. 

Understanding Development: A Big-picture Approach 

“Parents often get stuck focusing on specific behaviors rather than the bigger picture,” said Clark. “I encourage families to take a step back and consider the whole developmental framework—emotional, cognitive, and social growth.” He emphasized the importance of building a solid foundation for children’s development rather than just reacting to problems as they arise. “When challenges come up, I recommend asking, ‘What can we do in our interactions and play to build the skills they need?’ Ninety percent of the effort should go toward that foundation, while only 10 percent should focus on addressing issues when they happen,” he said.

The Power of Play 

One of the most impactful tools for fostering growth is play. “Play is a child’s work,” Clark explained. “It’s how they learn problem-solving, negotiating, and understanding cause and effect.” While parents may feel too busy to engage in play, Clark emphasized the importance of finding moments to participate meaningfully. “It’s unrealistic to expect parents to drop everything and play all the time,” he acknowledged. “But look for opportunities to join in, even briefly. When parents engage thoughtfully, they can help children develop skills like frustration tolerance and delayed gratification.”

For parents wondering how to balance their child’s independent play with guided interaction, Clark suggests using playtime to encourage problem-solving and language development. “A simple interaction like asking your child, ‘What will you do with your Legos before dinner?’ shifts the focus to solving a problem rather than issuing a directive like ‘clean up now.’ This approach activates their brain to make good choices and reduces conflict.” 

Letting Children Learn Through Experience 

In today’s world, many parents strive to create the perfect environment for their children, shielding them from discomfort or failure. While this instinct is natural, Clark reminds us that resilience often comes from navigating small challenges. “Scraping a knee while learning to ride a bike or not getting their way on the playground can be valuable lessons,” he said. “When parents step back and allow their children to experience these moments, they help build the skills needed to navigate life’s ups and downs.”

Clark acknowledged that this can be especially difficult for parents with high anxiety or perfectionist tendencies. “It’s important to trust your child’s capacity to learn from experience,” he advised. “Know when to let out the rope a little, so they can explore and grow within safe boundaries.”

Building Problem-solving Skills Through Language

Clark also highlighted the role of language in shaping children’s ability to solve problems. “I encourage parents to move beyond control messages like ‘pick up your toys’ or ‘brush your teeth,’” he explained. “Instead, try using what I call process prompts. Ask questions like, ‘What’s your plan for cleaning up before bedtime?’ or ‘When will you start brushing your teeth?’ This shifts the focus to a collaborative approach, helping kids think critically and feel more involved in decisions.”

While time constraints may not always allow for this approach, practicing it when possible can have a significant impact. “When parents consistently frame things as problems to solve, children develop a stronger capacity to navigate challenges independently,” he said. 

Dealing with Comparisons 

It’s natural for parents to compare their child’s progress to that of others, especially when they want reassurance about their child’s development. While it’s impossible not to make some comparisons, Clark encourages parents to focus on their child’s unique journey rather than comparing them to their peers. Each child has their own timeline for learning and growing, and comparisons often create unnecessary pressure. Instead, parents should celebrate their child’s individual strengths and progress, no matter how small, and understand that every child’s path is uniquely valuable.

Clark also shared strategies for redirecting the conversation when comparisons arise. Teachers and school counselors can guide parents toward setting goals that align with their child’s abilities and interests. This approach not only nurtures the child’s confidence but also helps parents shift their perspective from external benchmarks to the child’s personal growth. Building a partnership with parents rooted in positivity and understanding can go a long way in creating a supportive environment for the child. 

Addressing Concerns 

When parents have concerns, it’s essential for educators to listen with empathy and validate their feelings. Clark pointed out that parents often approach teachers because they trust their expertise and care for their child. It’s important to create a safe and nonjudgmental space for these conversations, where parents feel heard and understood. Taking the time to ask open-ended questions and clarify their concerns demonstrates a genuine commitment to collaboration.

Clark also recommended that teachers be proactive in providing solutions. Offering clear next steps—such as classroom observations, one-on-one meetings with specialists, or a plan for monitoring progress—helps parents feel supported and involved in addressing the issue. By fostering a partnership built on trust and communication, educators and parents can work together to create a path forward that ensures the child’s needs are met and their potential fully realized.

Final Reassurances for Parents 

Parenting is a journey filled with uncertainties, but Clark’s insights offer practical strategies and reassurance. “It’s okay for your child to face small setbacks,” he emphasized. “As long as you’re fostering a safe and loving environment, those moments of discomfort are opportunities for growth.” By focusing on development, engaging in meaningful play, and encouraging independence, parents can help their children build the skills they need to thrive. Dr. Clark’s message is clear: take a deep breath, trust the process, and embrace the opportunities for connection and learning along the way.

About Michael Tauscher

Michael Tauscher has served as the head of Preschool and Lower School at University School of Milwaukee since 2015. Born and raised on a family-owned farm in Pulaski, Wisconsin, he holds a bachelor’s degree in elementary education and a master’s degree in educational leadership. With 24 years of experience as an educator; 17 years as an administrator, Michael has worked in early childhood, elementary, and middle school settings, including teaching 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades and gaining international teaching experience in Kyoto, Japan.