The Five Pillars of Your Child’s Resilience

By Brad Dunning

It is no secret that parents, schools, and medical professionals are concerned with helping children to build resilience. Undoubtedly, you’ve seen a news story, read a book, or listened to a podcast about resilience and its importance in navigating both everyday and traumatic stressors. While writing this article, I did a Google search of the words “child” and “resilience.” It yielded nearly 200,000,000 hits, with 8,000,000 new results in just the past month. This is not surprising considering the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that the United States has been in a mental health crisis since before the pandemic, with young people particularly impacted. Notably, in 2023, the CDC reported that 40% of high school students had feelings of hopelessness or sadness. 

Is it possible that some of this hopelessness could be ameliorated with intentional work around building resilience? Dr. Tovah Klein, author of “Raising Resilience: How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty,” would say yes. She argues that in times of uncertainty, children grounded in routines are better able to adapt to even the most traumatic experiences. The familiarity of routines calms the brain and nervous system, so in the face of change, it can more easily adapt and adjust.

Klein posits that this familiarity and stability should be grounded in the parent-child relationship. Every time a parent helps a child navigate a challenging situation successfully, the child becomes more self-aware and better able to handle big emotions. Each incident is an opportunity to help our children develop the “resources of resilience.” In her book, Klein categorizes these resources into five pillars: Learning to Trust, Learning to Regulate, Developing Agency, Connecting with Others, and Being Understood. Each pillar builds upon the last, and together, they reinforce one another. Klein is clear, however, that working with them does not need to happen in a linear fashion. Families can start with any pillar and advance to others as they see fit.

Pillar One: Learning to Trust

The first pillar, “Learning to Trust,” is rooted in the notion that our steady, measured interactions with our children will ground them during moments of uncertainty. Klein says, “When a child feels safe and trusts you, they are more likely to trust themselves to approach the world with curiosity, explore and test themselves, and build a strong sense of self that is agile and resilient.”

So what does this look like? Klein writes that we need to be “responsive and attuned” and describes it as being able to cue in and accept your child’s emotions. This means listening and responding to both verbal and nonverbal cues without judgment and then validating your child’s feelings. Importantly, you have to ensure that your own feelings are in check. If you become dysregulated, you cannot help your child regulate their emotions. Remember, they are not mini-adults. Equally important is building routines. Routines help to ground us because they reduce cognitive load, thereby anchoring us during times of unexpected change. 

Pillar Two: Learning to Regulate

Klein’s second pillar doesn’t advocate for teaching children to dismiss or bury their big feelings. Instead, she argues, “Strong emotions—especially the negative ones—are not only natural but also necessary to becoming a well-adjusted person.” Instead, we have to help our children learn how to manage them, which is an important skill of resilience. 

To help children return to balance, Klein says we should connect with them by becoming aware of their needs. It is crucial that our own emotions are in check so that we can focus on helping our children learn how to calm themselves. The first step is helping your child to breathe more slowly. You can model this by inhaling and exhaling slowly and audibly. Then, let your child know that you are there with them through a caring look or touch. Next, in a measured tone, describe what is happening in the moment. For example, “You are upset because your friend did not play with you at recess today.” Now, remind your child that you are there for them and avoid shaming or blaming. Finally, provide your child with redirection and a reasonable limit. This involves teaching them an acceptable response and an outlet. For example, teaching a teenager to go outside and shoot hoops when they are angry, rather than throwing the TV remote.

The more proficient children become at naming and managing their emotions, the better they learn how to adapt and adjust to uncertainty in the world.

Pillar Three: Developing Agency

As children feel anchored and better able to manage their feelings, they become increasingly more independent. According to Klein, children need to “...develop the agency to learn from mistakes, to go out into the world and test themselves as people, and to relate to others on their own terms.” As children develop more independence, they begin the separation process. Of course, it is important that children have boundaries and limits during this process of discovery, whether they want to go down the slide by themselves as toddlers or borrow the car to go out with friends in high school. These limits need to be concrete with consequences if they are not honored. By setting reasonable and clear limits, children feel safe to take risks and think for themselves, important skills as they develop resiliency. It’s important to keep in mind that testing boundaries is a normal part of child development, too. Klein emphasizes that pushing the limits is part of growing resilient, as children learn to negotiate and compromise. 

An important part of the process of gaining independence occurs when children make mistakes. Klein makes it clear that rescuing our children sends the message that either we don’t believe they can handle making mistakes or that it will hurt them, thereby undermining “...the resilience that comes from bouncing back after falling, after failing, or when things don’t go as planned.” Klein provides two examples that are particularly relevant in middle school. In the first, she describes a child coming home with disappointing results on an assessment. Instead of criticizing them or making excuses, she suggests we offer to go over the assessment with them to help them become aware of what they still don’t understand. The second example involves conflict with a friend. Klein implores parents to resist interfering and drawing conclusions. Rather, Klein asks us to have our children describe what happened, including their own role in the incident.

Gradually releasing more freedom to our children helps them on their path to independence. As they learn to push against limits, negotiate compromises, and bounce back from mistakes, they become better equipped to manage the unexpected.

Pillar Four: Connecting with Others

The fourth dimension of your child’s resilience, according to Klein, is the ability to navigate the social world successfully. Social cognition is what allows children to develop empathy and compassion and to be resilient when they feel different from others. Understanding and navigating social situations is challenging for children. The skills involved are complex and nuanced, such as learning to listen, respond, and respect others’ viewpoints. Children also need to find their own voice to articulate their needs. 

As parents, we need to be careful not to overreact while our children learn how to become good friends, classmates, and community members. Interfering, overreacting, or catastrophizing a social interaction can stymie your child’s ability to build resilience. Instead, Klein suggests that we act as sounding boards and avoid projecting our experiences onto our children. We should remind them that we love them no matter what and that we will provide both support and guidance so that they can develop their own social confidence.

Pillar Five: Being Understood

Our children need to know that we will accept them for who they are. Period. In doing so, we help them to develop a healthy sense of self and what it will take to weather a difficult experience. This might be knowing their limits, when to ask for help, or how to reach their goals. When children accept their strengths and their weaknesses, they are less likely to develop a harsh inner critic. Klein writes, “Ultimately, this deep knowledge of their intrinsic value is one of the most powerful resources of resilience. A child who feels truly seen and appreciated for simply being themselves will rely on this center for the rest of their lives.” She calls this self-acceptance and is quick to point out that it’s not the same as self-esteem. Klein explains, “Whereas self-esteem refers specifically to how we measure or feel about ourselves, self-acceptance encompasses a deeper, more stable inner knowing of your own inherent value…[we] embrace all facets of ourselves.” Self-acceptance silences the harsh inner critic, not allowing children to develop insecurities or self-doubt. As a result, children who are self-accepting are less likely to suffer from anxiety or perfectionism. 

As parents, this means we need to acknowledge our child’s differences, not critique them. When we do this, it shows that we see and trust them. It also means that we need to check our own biases and expectations for our children. In doing so, we can see our children as separate from ourselves, and they will know we do.

Putting It All Together

Uncertainty and unexpected change are inevitable, sometimes bringing us joy and other times hardship or pain. When we love our children and accept them for all that they are, they will be able to adapt and grow from these experiences, remaining resilient. Klein created The Five Pillars of Resilience as a blueprint for us, as parents, to help ground our children so that they “... become independent and thrive, [and] love and accept themselves and give caringly to others.” In doing so, we will have raised our children to become the adults they were meant to be.

About Brad Dunning:

Brad Dunning has worked at University School of Milwaukee since 2011, serving as the assistant head of Middle School since 2018. Previously, he served as the 6th grade English teacher and dean of students in USM's Middle School. He earned his Bachelor of Science in Education from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and a Master of Arts in Education from Marian University.