Well Connected

Feeling connected within the school community is critical to ensuring that students feel engaged, known, and valued at USM. But in a community as large as USM’s, how are those connections formed and maintained, and what happens when they are tested?

*Identifiable details have been changed to protect privacy.

Seventh grade was proving to be a tough year for Lisa Smith ’29*, who was struggling with her behavior at school. She got into frequent conflicts with her classmates and was sarcastic 
and argumentative with her teachers. As a result, she felt ostracized from her peers and was unable to concentrate during class.

When teachers began discussing Smith’s behavior in grade-level meetings, Brad Dunning took note. As USM’s assistant head of Middle School, he is no stranger to boundary-testing adolescents. Although Smith’s teachers tried to intervene, it seemed she was stuck in a pattern of unproductive behavior they couldn’t break, and Dunning thought he could help. His first call was to Elina Kats, Middle School counselor, to request a copy of Smith’s connections survey.

All students in grades 5 through 12 complete a connections survey at the beginning of every school year, in which they identify at least one adult at USM with whom they have a strong and authentic connection. That person, referred to internally as an ally, is someone the student trusts and could turn to for support and guidance. Allies can be any adult in any grade or department at school. 

Cheryl Bair, 5th grade English teacher, hadn’t taught Smith in several years. But, as Smith’s ally, she was happy to help when Dunning asked her to be involved. “Cheryl and I sat down to develop a game plan,” said Dunning. “We thought, let’s meet with Lisa and see how we can help.”

“The connections survey is critical to ensuring students feel engaged, known, and valued within our community,” said Lizzy Perry, Upper School counselor and Counseling department chair. In the 2023–24 school year, 689 students completed a connections survey, and each one was carefully recorded and analyzed by either Middle School or Upper School administrators, depending on the division. “The surveys are a great litmus test for how we’re doing,” said Perry. “Where are the gaps? Who feels like they don’t have strong connections, and how can we support them?” 

In the Middle School, it was Elaine Griffin’s idea to use the connections survey strategically, as in Smith’s case, when a student is struggling. “The idea is to address the behavior before it requires disciplinary action,” said Griffin, head of Middle School. Because the student is meeting with someone they themselves identified as an ally, there is already trust established, and the student is more likely to approach the situation with openness and a willingness to try.

The survey is just one example of the efforts USM teachers, administrators, and staff members make to ensure that students feel they are respected, connected members of the community. Research has shown that children who feel valued, and who feel that they add value to others, are more likely to thrive in adolescence and adulthood. Research has also shown that the greatest protection against risky behaviors amongst youth is strong connections with adults. USM teachers know that students who feel connected within the community are more likely to exhibit kindness and empathy to others, stretch beyond their comfort zone, and exhibit resilience if they fail. 

USM’s community of students, parents, faculty, and staff encompasses a diverse collection of cultural backgrounds, religions, interests, ZIP codes, income levels, political beliefs, and values. Relating to one another and the school with respect, trust, honesty, fairness, and kindness is sometimes easier said than done. “With teenagers, their developmental task is to figure out who they are,” said Perry, “and they do that by comparing themselves to people their age.” Conflicts occur within the student body at USM just as they do at any other school, but providing avenues for exploring common interests builds connections and empathy. “We can’t manage who’s going to be friends with whom, but we can encourage and foster having a wide variety of activities and extracurriculars for students,” said Perry. 

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When Dunning and Bair sat down with Smith, the first thing they wanted her to understand was that she was not in trouble. “In my experience, the student will either be nervous that they’re getting punished or they will be completely guarded and closed off,” said Dunning. Dunning and Bair explained to Smith that her teachers noticed an unproductive pattern in her behavior, and asked her if she could identify recent challenges she’s had. “Our goal was for her, just like 
any student in that situation, to take ownership of her behavior.”

Smith knew that her comments were negatively affecting her friendships at school and getting herself in trouble with her teachers, but she wasn’t sure how to fix the problem. Dunning and Bair brainstormed with Smith, knowing that it was important for her to have ownership of the solution. Realizing that her outbursts were causing many of her problems, Smith’s proposed solution was to simply stop talking. Dunning and Bair knew that would be a difficult approach, but they were willing to let Smith try it. “It’s really important for the student to set the goal or make a plan, even if it’s not a great one,” he said. “As long as no one will be harmed, we’re inclined to let them try it so that they understand that this isn’t being done to them, it’s being done with them.” Although they had reservations about how effective her plan would be, Bair and Dunning supported Smith’s proposal and agreed to meet again in a few days to assess.     

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Both Middle School and Upper School students have many clubs, athletic teams, and performing arts opportunities to choose from, all of which strengthen a sense of belonging through shared experiences, avenues for connection, leadership, friendship, and activities that disrupt stereotypes. Amped 101, launched in 2021 by Natalie Gapinski ’24 and Arri Fuller ’23, is one such example. The student club is a collection of Upper School musicians who perform monthly concerts during Flex. The only prerequisites for joining the club are a love of music and a willingness to practice—usually weekdays at 7:30 a.m., due to most other extracurricular commitments occurring after school.

Not only has being in the club improved Gapinski’s confidence with public speaking, it’s helped her, and other club members, to form new friendships. “Being in a group with people who share similar interests is good to have a feeling of belonging,” she said. “And music is a really common thing. It’s something that’s easy to talk about with anyone.”  

Opportunities for developing connections are not restricted to extracurricular activities; they are also woven into the school day. Both Middle School and Upper School students participate in advising groups, in which students are intentionally placed in small groups that they meet with throughout the school year. For Upper School students, their advising group remains the same throughout all four years. In addition, both divisions have daily or weekly gatherings where administrators set aside dedicated time to explore threads that connect us as a larger tapestry. Depending on the day, these gatherings could encompass any number of activities, including an outside speaker, meeting time for student clubs or the House program in the Upper School, or advising groups. 

“These are all important aspects of the USM experience that need time and space to grow,” said Upper School Dean of Students Charlie Housiaux ’02. Community time is just one example of the value that USM places on shared experiences and their power to connect us. Others include grade-level retreats, classroom communities, the Upper School House program, and school-wide events like Opening Day, Homecoming, and Senior Send-off.

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As Dunning and Bair suspected, Smith’s plan to stop talking was not an effective one. “If the student’s plan doesn’t work, it can actually be helpful,” said Dunning. “Because at that point, if we offer a suggestion or advice, the student is probably more willing to hear us out. It feels more like a partnership than a punishment.”  

In their quest to help Smith develop a new, more realistic plan, Dunning and Bair met with her again and asked her to think about what was happening in those moments of dysregulation. What was she feeling? What types of situations made it harder for her to control her outbursts? After close examination, Smith realized that not completing her homework in time for class was causing her to feel anxious. As a result, she acted defensive towards her teachers and felt inferior when working alongside her peers, and lashed out in frustration.

Dunning knows that children will do the best they can with the skills and tools they have. He also knows that when students are invited to take ownership of their actions and participate in developing their own remediation plan, rather than receiving a punishment, they are much more likely to be successful. Together, the trio established realistic goals for Smith to complete her homework assignments in the evening—including establishing a quiet spot in her home and a dedicated window of time in which to focus on homework—and agreed to meet again to assess progress.

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Intentional efforts to build community occur daily in Preschool and Lower School as well. Each classroom starts the day off with a morning meeting, where students might participate in a rhythmic game as a class, or they might discuss one of six core kindness concepts that are part of the divisions’ Random Acts of Kindness (RAK) curriculum: respect, caring, inclusiveness, integrity, responsibility, and courage.

“What’s great about the RAK curriculum is that the core kindness concepts closely match USM’s Common Trust values,” said Kelley Sovol, 4th grade teacher and Preschool and Lower School Social-Emotional Learning department chair. “It gives us a common framework of language from prekindergarten through 4th grade. It helps the students to understand what is good character, what we as a school community value, and what we’re all collectively working towards.” 

In Preschool and Lower School guidance classes, these values are further reinforced through the Kimochis curriculum, which uses a set of characters to teach children about five core social and emotional competencies: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. “Through Kimochis, students are learning how to name specific emotions and identify when they’re having big feelings,” said Laura LaFave, Preschol and Lower School counselor. “It gives them specific tools for how to handle those emotions and learn how to be a positive member of a community.”

The adults in the building further serve to model those core social and emotional competencies and act as coaches throughout the school day. “Compared to subjects like math or reading, social-emotional learning is happening all day every day,” said Sovol. “Whether they’re working as a group in class, outside at recess, or eating lunch together, they have to be respectful, supportive, and kind as they navigate all of those social interactions.” Being intentional with social-emotional learning in Preschool and Lower School provides young students with the tools needed to contribute positively to a community and foster strong connections amongst their peers.  

Parents play a vital role in the school’s ability to build and maintain a strong community. To succeed, the partnership between parents and the school requires mutual trust, respect, and clear expectations. “Our responsibility is to communicate our expectations and to partner with families when kids have a misstep,” said Housiaux. “When parents and educators work together in the best interest of the child, everyone benefits.”

USM’s community expectations are clearly defined in the school’s Common Trust: “We, the members of the University School of Milwaukee community, commit to and practice the Common Trust. We agree to relate to one another and the school with respect, trust, honesty, fairness, and kindness.” These core values define what is important to the school and serve as a guide for all members of the community, including incoming families.

“On every enrollment application, regardless of division, parents are asked to choose one of the Common Trust values and reflect on why it matters to their family,” said Claudia Fritz, director of enrollment management. There is no right or wrong answer, but the question requires parents to think intentionally about whether the school’s values align with their own. “When families tour USM they can see the Common Trust in action—children saying please and thank you, holding doors for each other, etc.—but that doesn’t just happen by accident,” said Fritz. “Our community is a living, breathing thing that requires buy-in and constant upkeep.”

Investment in the Common Trust does not mean we must be perfect—the word practice is included intentionally. But the Common Trust is a unifying element that steers our community, and one we can all agree to and refer to when we need guidance.   

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It’s been several months since Bair and Dunning first met with Smith. After much self examination and goal setting, she has established more productive homework habits, which have resulted in less anxiety during class and improved behavior. “What we saw was better performance in class, better collaboration with her peers, and better relationships with her teachers,” said Dunning. Her parents continue to receive notes from school—but now they’re notes of praise for her improved behavior. 

“On the surface I wouldn’t have identified homework as the source of her difficulties,” said Dunning, “but in my experience, there’s always an underlying reason.” At USM, Smith’s struggles in the classroom were not a catalyst for discipline, but rather for strengthening connections. Dunning and Bair helped her to identify what was at the core of her dysregulation, and develop manageable steps to improve. It was not easy work for anyone involved—but it helped them all to feel trusted and connected as part of a supportive, collaborative environment. Dunning and Bair anticipate that Smith may experience an occasional relapse into old patterns, as most people who are working to establish new habits do. But when that happens she will be supported and challenged to do better by people who care deeply about her and are invested in her success.